Thursday, 21 August 2008

• My First (And The World's Most Embarassing) Encounter

  Ah, there's no first time like when you lose your virginity. Ever since society's conception, having sex for the first time has always marked the end of childhood and the beggining of adulthood. As soon as they know what it is, boys and girls alike dream of that one night when, in the case of boys, they'll achieve that magical ecstasy called 'orgasm'; or, in the case of girls, they'll lose their virginity to their prince.

  Well. my first time turned out to be a bit, ah, dissapointing.

  At that time, I was barely a thirteen-year-old eighth grader. I was more interested in anime and reggaeton than in anything else, and the only experience I had before that time was some experimenting when I was five (with a third-cousin. it's sick).

  The immediate background to the story is this: I was three months into a semester-long computer apps program, which I went to twice a week. On my second day, I met one of the most beautiful girls in the city (well, she was pale with black hair and eyes) and I fell hook, line and sinker. It turns out she liked the same things I did, and her birthday was exactly a month after mine. It was perfect.

  Then, of course, I went to New York for a couple of weeks; she was gone when I came back.

  Well, thing is, before my damn trip to my co-hometown, there had been this freshmore that had joined our group. I remember her talking stuff like "Oh, that's a really nice job there, José. No wonder you're top of the class!", while I looked sideways at Rose (now my girlfriend), who smirked at the blalant flirtatiousness.

  Now that I was back, and single by default, the freshmore (I can't remember her name, so i'll call her 'Mary') decided to step up a little bit. She gave me a letter, which was really sweet and everything, except for one thing: even at 13, I felt that if you're in high school, you should at least have the guts to say it to my face. But she had nice boobs, so I didn't care.

  Well, a couple of months passed, and things led to a Wedensday in which her best friend (which for some reason was always on our dates) had to stay a bit longer for an extra course, and we were forced to wait. Behold the jewels that came out of my mouth at the time:

  • JMU: So...
  • M: So...
  • JMU: Um, so how long will she be there?
  • M: Like about  an hour or so.
  • JMU: Oh, ok.
  • M: So yeah, this guy tried to kiss me at a party.
  • JMU: (wasn't jealous because didnt care too much) Oh. What did you do?
  • M: I punched him.
  • JMU: Oh, cool.
  • M: Yeah, I don't like kissing guys too much.
  • JMU: !
  • M: It depends, though.
  • JMU: Would you let me?
  • M: Yes.
  • JMU: Cool.
  • ...
  • ...
  • M: Um, Jose?
  • JMU: Huh?
  • M: You can kiss me, y'know?
  • JMU: Oh. Um...
  • M: fuck this. (kisses)
  • JMU: Wow.
  • M: Let's go somewhere...

  Now, after reading my flawless tongue, you can only imagine how it went from there.

  After deciding that a condom was unnecessary (she was on the pill and I didn't have any STD's), I proceeded to copy what I saw on the computer at that age. After finally putting it in the right hole, I proceeded to go back and forth, back and forth, robot-style, for a whole three minutes.

  Let me remind you that, were it a fellow virgin I'd have fucked, it wouldn't have mattered too much. BUT THIS WAS A FUCKING HIGH SCHOOL SOPHOMORE!!!

  Oh, and that's not all. Maybe because of the bitter dissapointment she felt, the girl asked me a very stupid question: "Do you still like Rose?"

  The answer I should have given to a question like that was obvious. But the loss of my virginity and the fact that my first performance was a failure kind of took a hit on my conscious. And therefore, ladies and gentlemen, I am embarassed to present you my brilliant answer to her question:

  "Well, Mary...I'm sorry. I thought it would be easy to move on, but I just can't. I thought that maybe by being with you I'd forget about Rose, but I still like her."

  CUT. Up to here, you can see that it was a really mature speech, and would have teared up the most frigid girl in the planet. Seriously, it could've probably made one of the best lines in a romance novel...if it weren't said under these circumstances.

  You see, up to that time, I had no reason to suspect that telling a girl that you still like your ex right after your first time might be extremely unhealthy; not to mention the fact that I was naked and she had direct access to Ground Zero.

  Oh, ho ho. But that's not all. Here, my readers, is the punchline, the one sentence that revoked any chance of getting out of there peacefully:

  "Truth is, Mary, I only went out with you in order to have some fun, you know?"

  45 MINUTES LATER

  • MOM: Where have you been?!
  • JMU: Um, I stayed later at the Institute. I had to fill up an extra course today.
  • MOM: We called the Institute. (narrows eyes) They said they saw you with a girl.
  • JMU: A girl? Um, I wasn't with a girl! That's ridiculous!
  • MOM: What happened to your arm, then? Those scratches?
  • JMU: (looks down) Oh, these scratches? Um, I-I g-got them a-at school. Yes! School! (MOM is exasperated at the obviousness and leaves to the kitchen)
  • DAD: You know, son. You can tell us stuff like that; there's no need to lie.

  Like if the past two hours hadn't been enough humilliation.

  Well, there you have it: the worst first time, ever. And you know what's the most fucked up thing about it? I didn't make up any of it.

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