Standing in my balcony, my right arm gripping the railing with enough force to entertain the theory that I might think that the harder I grip, the more chances I have of turning back time. Teardrops from heaven add the spice to my wine glass that my own couldn't do. With a rueful smile, I berate myself for it; apparently nothing I do can add that certain zest that I've appreciated in life so much.
But how can I add that zest to my life, when my palates have been desensitized by the mere taste of you? How am I supposed to move on past you when you're everywhere? How can I breathe without thinking that you breathe the same air? How can I enjoy doing the things that I usually did, when everything I do reminds me of you? How?
As I take a sip of my tear-spiked sweet vinegar, I stare at the night, seeing only dark clouds that remind me of the thick, yet delicate, curtain of black hair that was once the only barrier between myself and my human angel. Hair so beautiful that it did the job of an exquisite appetizer, which reminds you that it's only the tip of an iceberg of nirvana. I put my glass down and take a drag out of my very first cigarette, which is almost as spent as my emotional stamina. I grimace. Ethanol and nicotine wouldn't be two of my favorite molecules if I ever created a list; they're just things that I can do that I never did when I was with you.
My hand releases the railing, balls into a fist and falls into its former handle. The sting that my fist feels from such a potent clash with the iron, however, doesn't match the pain that my body feels, a pain that I've never felt before, and one for which I was never prepared. Another sip of wine tries to drown the thought that, had it not been from you, this would definitely be more bearable. After all, I've had my heart broken before, and in every single instance I've managed to come through without feeling as hurt in all of them combined.
Why did it have to be you? Why did you have to come into my life? I was having a perfectly fine existence until you came along. Like the perfect drug, I was uplifted as I never thought I could be, only to crash harder than I imagined possible.
'Be careful what you wish for, lest it come true'. How silly and superstitious does that sound! Yet, how true are those words! If only I hadn't wished for someone like you!
Yet, as I think these words, I can't convince myself. What would've happened had I not met you? What idea would I have of something so beautiful like the past few months had I never even sat beside you in class those couple of days? Could I be able to truly understand love if I hadn't loved you first?
And so, draining the last of my tear-spiked cup of an unlucky grape's hemorrhage, I am forced to resolve that you can't truly feel the joy of smelling a pure rose without getting pricked by a few thorns. Truly, whatever pain I feel is nothing compared to the love I felt for you, to the love that, despite the excrutiating burn going through my veins right now, still beats strong through the depths of my heart.
My muse, my love, my girl that never truly was mine. How can someone instill such an effect while feeling not even the tiniest vibe? That's the one big question that meeting you has left unanswered. Maybe, one day, I'll find the answer for that. Maybe then, just maybe, I'll be able to move on. Until then, I'm resigned to spending my evenings, be there rain or pure moonlight, rambling on my balcony with a glass of wine in my right hand, a cigarette in my left one, an anchor of my heart, and the mot beautiful tumor in my memory...
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